Cutting Deeper
by Thirteenth Syndrome
Summary: Something about loss changes you. Sora/Riku. Sora/Kairi. Anti Sora/Kairi. Akuroku.


I will finish this. Enjoy.

* * *

Cutting Deeper

**1**

Flawless wasn't how he could describe half of it. Life for Sora was more than perfect. Just like a dream.

He had everything, everyone, he'd ever wished for.

_His childhood darling._

She was all too lovely for words. Kairi. She was more than some girl, some one night stand. Beautiful, so beautiful, inside and out. He never knew why she decided to accept the invitation into his little world, but thought it no better than asking angels how they'd received their wings. Feelings like that were more than cliché, more than the routine romance. And God, how his mind raged whenever she'd visit his thoughts, wandering his nightly reveries. She, being what she was from the very start, remained the source of all that was unforgettable in the boy's mind, and it wasn't out of place for him to trifle with memories of their first meeting.

He remembered standing in the middle of the bleached sand, looking out into the fleeting waves of the water. Pebbles biting at his feet, he saw a figure ascend from the crystalline ocean and saunter towards him. It was a girl. Auburn hair burning under the sun's rays, she came to him, gaze twinkling with the prettiest blue he'd ever seen. And the way her eyes spoke to him. Comforting. Luring all at once. It was how he'd fallen in love with her. This was the way she'd remain in his head; a placid allusion that no one could stir.

_His best friend. _

What he felt for Kairi was passion. What he felt for Riku was obsession. No carnal desire flitted from Sora's lips when he spoke of his friend, but there lay a shadow of something hidden. Some distorted silhouette of an emotion that dove much darker than love. It wasn't describable. It just was. Riku was his home.

But Sora's fixation for the boy lied within the lines of rivalry. If Riku could run a mile in five minutes, Sora had to do it in four. If Riku was promoted, Sora was his manager. If Riku sprained his ankle, Sora broke his. Although many pieces of their competitiveness led them into the willing spirit of danger, the pair was constantly seen clawing at each other's throats in the midst of a hot day. They were never seen bandaging each other's wounds. Never seen apologizing for old scars at the finale of an evening.

_His other half_

And when Kairi and Riku went home, there was Roxas. There was always Roxas. The two were inevitably tied together it appeared, even from birth, and neither would have it any other way. Roxas ate as Sora did. Inhaled as Sora exhaled. But their similarities remained similarities, never replicating and habitually, ironically, contrasting. Sora, the glow to Roxas' dim. And without darkness, there was no light. No Sora.

_Everything._

Those days, Sora didn't need to wake up. He wanted to. He wanted to reveal his eyes to the morning sun and watch it shine through the shutters on his window. He wanted to eat cereal in the kitchen with his twin and fight over whether poached or scrambled was the king of all egg concoctions. He wanted to run into Riku at the gas station and spend the entire day laughing, smiling with him. He wanted to meet Kairi at the park, feeling anything but dejected, feeling the blood throb through his body when they kissed. When they touched. He wanted to go home, lighter than helium, and kick Roxas in the shin for jumping out of the bushes at him. And when he waved goodnight to his brother, the boy scrambled into his bed, closed his eyes, and wanted it to start all over again.

One day, Sora needed to wake up.

He needed to open his eyes and watch the fog leek through his bedroom window. He needed to go into his kitchen and find Roxas not sitting at the table, eating his cereal as always. He needed to walk down the hall, past his room, past the bathroom. Needed to stop at his brother's closed door.

Sora didn't need to knock.

So he opened the door, thinking it was a game, thinking Roxas was just hiding in the corner of his room, waiting to jump out and scream _Surprise_. But the brunet walked in and saw his brother sitting in bed, hands under the covers, head drooping, and the right half of his body leaning against the wall. He laughed at the scene.

"_C'mon, Rox. Even I can do better than this."_

Sora, still laughing, strode over to his twin's bed, ruffled his hair.

"_Stupid. I don't think you… What's this…?"_

Red. That's all it took for Sora to fling back the sheets, the blankets, and see red. Red. Red. Red. Palms up, fingers curved and stained scarlet. Gore no longer dripped, but hung off limbs in torrents of hardened slick. Trembling, Sora's fingers traced the severed flesh in his brother's palms to his wrists. Two blades found buried deep within his skin.

He pulled out those knives, glimmering with ruddy satisfaction, and wouldn't believe anything. Wouldn't believe the body next to him was his brother's. So he lifted Roxas' head, stared into those big, vacant eyes that said anything but hello.

Eyes stinging, the boy dragged the mangled body to his chest, heaving with air that didn't belong to him. Watching his light shatter.

* * *

It only took three hours for Riku to unlock the door to his best friend's apartment, lurk down that infamous hall, and see the disturbing embrace between the two siblings.

It only took three minutes for the paramedics to arrive and confirm to the police that the boy had died approximately eight hours and thirteen minutes prior to his examination.

It only took three months for Sora to grasp what the medics told him was true.

What the police told him.

What Kairi told him.

Only three months to realize that Roxas had committed suicide.

* * *

Day 1:

_I looked out my window today. Then again, I look out it every day. I don't know why I do it. Maybe it's because I'm looking for something. Or maybe it's because I've found what I've been looking for, but cannot reach it. The window is in the way. The window looks like __**you**__, but it's blocking the outside. I'm in here, feeling my present wither away, wanting to be outside. Perhaps, I'm over thinking things. Perhaps, I'm just looking out the window. But all I know is that I'm going to face something. Something new. Something colossal. Something soon. From that moment, I know I'll experience the alteration and liberation of my soul. Oh. I saw your friend at the funeral. Axel I think it was. With red hair? I know it wasn't him who did it. He's a wreck. Looks almost as bad as you did. Almost. But don't worry, I'll find out, lil bro. Whoever did this to you, I'll make them pay._

Day 2:

_I've been so confused lately. My body feels empty. I think that since my recent discovery, I'm… my mind is trying to recover from something I've always had. My old self has subsided now, and I feel as if I'm trying to go through some sort of rebirth. I mean… I'm unsure of what I mean. It's like I'm a new person, lacking in any basic skill. _

Day 16:

_Strange. I feel disgusted when I eat. Even if I don't, all my mind focuses on is how vile it is. I don't' know if I'm eager to see what will happen to me if I stop, or if I'm ready to be utterly submersed in something that I can control. Something that cannot hurt, or love, or fight. Something that feels nothing. For me, eating is simply an aid to boredom. The reliever to an arid lifestyle. I'm… confused. My mind's craving for activity may be a call for help from my previous self, but that doesn't make sense. It's dead now. Funny. I know the outcome of my new habits and decide to keep going. But it's more of an ultimatum for me than a choice. Once I start, I'll do it the next day and won't be able to have power over any of it. If I don't start… I don't want to think about the consequences. _

Day 24:

_The weather was perfect this evening. Occasionally, the sun would appear, and the clouds would vanish. I hated that. But then, the clouds would return, highlighting the sky with a gray air. That was the perfect part. Today, I wasn't really "happy", but I felt resolved. Nostalgia kind of overtook me, and when I went over to the kitchen table, I pulled out two bowls, two spoons, and… well, I saw you. To be honest, I dream too much. Reminiscing really gets me down, I guess. Sometimes, I'll just be completely focused on what's happening around me, and then, a shirt catches my eye. A movie, old hangouts, and even this one brand of toothpaste can fill my head with old scenes of our life together. Fuck, I miss you. Even if I want them, my memories, to manifest themselves as something real, I know my dreams; my hopes are only hopes. When I look at the sky, it reminds me of the past that should belong to me now. Now my unsettled future is haunting me. And I guess it's stupid to ask for a reason for my grief. I feel constantly pricked. Always bothered, but never compensated. I lived today. Was it worth it? I hope. I hope._

Day 26:

_Oh no. I did it again. I was feeling fine until this happened! Everything was fine; I was okay, not wholly, but pretty damn close. I invited Kairi over yesterday, she really is one of the greatest, most sincere people I've ever met, but anyways, she came over. I love talking wither her, because I feel she actually cares, but when I do talk with her, I begin to feel the way I felt that day. I can't explain it. Being with her made me remember why I can't talk to anyone anymore without looking like an idiot. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I hate this. I hate it. I thought I could actually be someone again. Someone who makes everyone smile. I thought I could actually make something out of nothing. I'm such an idiot. What kind of person believes they could even have a chance with happiness after everything that's happened? Really, who the fuck would ever like me? Kairi. Kairi would. No, Kairi did. I can feel her slipping away, and it's all my fault. It's not fair. Why do other people get what they want? Why do other people lack the ability to disgust? Why do I have to be the one who lived? I hate it. My heart pounds, my hands sweat. I hear her love for me, I see it, I smell it's essence. It is stunning. Why can't I touch it? Why can't I taste it? Fuck you, Roxas. Fuck you for taking the part of me that can feel! Fuck you for leaving! Fuck you… Fuck… Come back to me. I am a fraud without you. The destroyer of all that is good. All that is bliss. The epitomes of love are my subconscious targets, but why does my heart ache? I do not, cannot experienced this "love." What is the meaning of this? I must repulse everyone. Am I too quiet? Too angry? Too sad? Am I rude? It must be my face. It's your face, and I'm using it. I am despicable. A thief. It's not fair. I try, I try to get past this crime. I wait. Nothing. I wait longer. Nothing. I give up much too easily. I've considered everything. I hate everything about this. I'm just mad. Why don't people talk to me? Why doesn't Kairi look at me the same way? Why is Riku still here with this mess and why aren't you here? It's all your fault. It's your fault I'm unapproachable! But… maybe I'm scared. _

_Day 43: _

_Well, I have a lot to say, I suppose. Tonight, actually last night, Kairi and I were watching a movie at her house, and I've got to say that it was painstakingly slow until it hit about the midway point. Moans, screams, started pouring out of the speaker system, and I couldn't believe what we were watching. How ridiculous the entire thing was. Kairi didn't care. In fact, it wasn't until her hand drifted into my lap that I fathomed how serious she really was. I told her to stop and she snickered, popping the clasp on her jeans open. Again, I told her to stop and leaned away from her. She paused, laughed again, and threw off her dirty sweater. Next thing I knew, she was pinning me to the couch, tonguing my neck. I'd had enough. Under other circumstances, it could've been different. Under other circumstances, I wouldn't of grabbed her hands and tugged her away from me. Under other circumstances, she wouldn't of had to slap me. Wouldn't have screamed at me for being selfish. Wouldn't of screamed at me to get out. I can deal with that, I guess. I was cruel to her, and I deserved retribution. I deserved the nails that tore across my face, and deserved the blood they left in place of skin. I should just disappear. That'd solve everything. Right, Rox? As I walked home, sadness morphed to confusion, which in turn became a sweltering anger. I was infuriated. Not only had I given no indication that I was ready for sex again, but also I'd politely declined it. Yet, she still blew up and left scars that Riku will no doubt question when he sees them. But she was justified. And why would Kairi ever want to hurt me?_

Day 49:

_So. I already know I don't have the strength to push forward. I'm on autopilot. I think if I stopped visiting you, I'd feel better. I don't care if I feel better. And I shouldn't care about anything. I want to get out of this hell. I want to start over. Why can't I? I'm selfish. You were fucking good at everything, and I'm good at everything you weren't. I need to learn how to take pain. I need to learn, know what you felt. Even if I'll never suffer what you did, at least I can make a small effort. Right? Shit! Why the hell am I even here? Who do I fucking exist? I'm shit. But I feel alive, when I'm here. I'm weak, Roxas, and I need someone to keep me from falling. God, I'm useless and so are you. You're nothing worth missing. _

Day 63:

_Fuck. The wounds itch. I need to feel sore. I'm too weak. I do not understand despair. When I do, I will change. I will be complete. I'm awful to look at now. I'm paying the price for not being there. I'm sorry, so sorry I wasn't there. Forgive me. I only deserve shit. I tear everyone down, as I tore you down. But how did I? Tell me that, brother. Tell me how I tore you down. I will repay you who I have wronged with pain. Righteously, my one solace is fading. My sleep. It's so precious to me now, like how you once were. Restless. Sleep has left me. My dreams are gone, and I can feel myself toss in a dreary, semiconscious state. I hate it, as I hate many things. I don't need it, the sleep. I'm spineless. Yet… Perhaps, I can tear this frail fiend from myself. I could if you were here. I'm bare. Shit. Fuck! Why can't you be here? Why do I have to make Kairi cry? Fuck it. Fuck this! I want out of here. This body makes me want to vomit. I feel heavy. Weighted down with this… this irreversible sin. Fuck! I need reconciliation, Roxas! Please! I don't deserve you. You left me! Never return! God, I wish the bile would come. It can't. I am the worst representation of good. And the weakest of evils. I need to close off. Become encompassed in darkness. Rust. I will not ask for love. I think it should be impossible for anything to love… this shit. _

Day 69:

_I've been feeling weird lately. Nothing seems to be going right with Kairi. It's probably just me. Ha. Pitiful. The only person I really enjoy these days is Riku. _

Day 71:

_I thought I was feeling empty before, but I realize now that I was just sad. Angry. I'd give anything to feel passion again. Now, I'm just some nervous wreck. Fucking idiotic. And I complain to you too much. Sorry. I'm more of a child than I was ten years ago. Kairi won't speak to me as much as she used to. Those feelings for her aren't gone yet, and I'm still willing to hold on, but she's letting go. I can't make her hold on until I'm worthy of being a fucking human being again. Roxas. I wish I could be mad. Wish I could hate you so you'd stop causing so much damage. Why are you anything to me, anyway? You're dead, and I made your life shit. It's my fault. I wasn't strong enough; I'm not strong enough. _

Day 74:

_I feel odd. I can't really explain it. _

Day 75:

_God, I really don't know where to begin. Well, I'm tired, as usual. I don't know why I'm always tired. Could be my diet, or lack of sleep, or even those strange lapses of… emotional fatigue. I'm not going to whine to you and say, "Oh, I'm so depressed," because, simply, I have no fucking reason to be. Sure, I lost you and for some reason I can never say that out loud; the one time I did, I was crying and under an immense amount of pressure (at least it was for me, but I can't handle very much). You can thank Kairi for that. And yeah, I'm a dumb fuck that deserves to be laying in your place right now. Am I alive for a reason? This isn't a pity question or anything, but I'm just fucking curious. I'm not exceptional at anything, and when I suck at something, I fucking __**suck**__. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, because I feel that I deserve what's happened for being a self-absorbed little prick. _

Day 79:

_Recently… I've been fucking weird! (I hate how much I depend on cuss words now.) I've noticed that Kairi's chosen to ignore me, be revolted by my existence, or just put up with me. Oh shit, look who doesn't have a fucking purpose in life! I love dreaming, but I hate waking up… Can't I have one without the other? No, I guess not. Choice is for people that can make a difference. People that matter. Look at me now, Rox. Your brother, the coward._

Day 82:

_So it comes down to this. All I've said to you is about how I suck and I'm a piece of shit. Truth be told, I'm sick of it. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. I'm tired. So tired. Tired. Tired. Tired. I wish I could figure out why and maybe if I relay this information to you, you'll understand a little more. Yesterday, I realized that my immaturities are ruining my relationship with Kairi. I've tried to rid myself of this grief, but anger usually spills out, turning from loathing to a thudding memory. Memories of you are eating away my sanity, if I ever possessed any, and, in all honesty, I can see myself joining you in a few years. These past months have gotten worse somehow, and my rage is often paired with a sorrow I cannot express. Everything's coming to a close, and I can't understand it. I see now that all my struggles are and were for nothing. Kairi is becoming a listless blur, and I fear that Riku is not far behind. I'm falling apart, Roxas. And here I am, listing off my thoughts to you. I must only think of myself. What hurts is knowing that my bonds with life are breaking. What shall I do with so much unwanted freedom in death? What are you doing with it? Emancipation. Such a sweet, chilling word. With this coming liberty, I feel as if I'm losing Kairi, Riku. Feel I'm losing you all over again._

Day 83:

_I'm really pissed off. Kairi has exploded yet again, because I don't apparently listen to or care about her needs. Do I?_

Day 84:

_Kairi and I are starting to fight more, again, and I just stand there and take anything she dishes out. Even if it is dishes. She's being brutal these days, which means I must be becoming more of a monster. Maybe I should live alone. Crap. Ah, Rox, how life tempts me to run in front of fast cars. And at the same time, I feel bad. Riku would be fucking irate if he knew what I told you. I don't see why though. I'm the appendix of life, I guess. Pointless, and if uncontrolled, is a hazard that must be removed. It's unfortunate. I kind of want to cut open my stomach right now and watch all the blood seep out. It'd hurt like hell, but I'd, after a while, get used to it. I'd cry and act like a bitch, but I'd get used to it._

Day 85:

_I don't know what I'm going to do. The prospects of my life don't appear as bright as I'd expected them to be. I believe it to be my own… stupidity that has destroyed my abilities to coerce with people around me. Truly. Truly, I wish I weren't such a failure. That I could stand proud. That I could laugh with Riku again. That I could hold Kairi and kiss like I'd always wanted. That I could punch you for being an ass about it. But I know that day will never come, and I should just learn to smother that small flame of hope that occasionally burns within me and wither downs. Leaves me wasted. Forgotten._

Day 89:

_This loss is devastating. These sentiments of mine are colder than they've ever been, and I fear that my tolerance is slipping right through my fingers. Egotism and rejection from Kairi enrages me, because I feel as if I've committed some sort of horrible deed. Perhaps I have. But I do not understand what I have done. Defeat encompasses me, and I cannot free myself from its stinging grip. What has overcome me? I am a worthless shit. Fit for maggots. You've led me to this path of destruction._

Day 93:

_How are you? It's been three months, and you're still here. She's gone, Roxas. She left me. Told me over the phone to grow up, and that she __**did**__ love me. Told me she'd return once I let go of trivial things. I couldn't fathom what I was hearing. She called you trivial, Rox. I'm just. I don't know. There's this aching feeling inside of me, and I feel as if it's growing. I keep wanting to, you know, but I've been struggling against myself for so long. I kind of wish I could escape these urges, but I know that I won't get past this while you're here. And it's unlucky, feeling myself tear apart at the seams the same way you did. Roxas. We've never been more identical than we are now. It's a terrible practice to inflict myself with thoughts you once had. I should just get it over with. I see now that I was only born to die. How far will I go? I have no idea. Say I had the gall to accomplish any of my self-proclaimed threats. Would I be here? No. And the fact that I am here proves that I'm a liar, or so it seems. But I am not killing myself. I am killing this shell. This body. Extinguishing what is tainted. And how am any different from you? You threw out the trash too. _


End file.
